Pre-Natal Blues

We heard of post-natal depression, but is there really a pre-natal depression? If there really is one, I prefer to call it pre-natal blues, as it sounds less daunting.

I have been feeling really low for the past few weeks. Waves of lowly and negative emotions washed over me on and off. Even though good feelings are still there, somehow the bad feelings started to take over them little by little.

Unbeknown to me, the negative feelings started to envelope me until I feel so sick the past two days. I felt like I was and still am enveloped in a dark cloud. I felt so bleak that all activities I enjoyed so far has been abandoned. All houseworks have been put to the last minutes or until I could no longer bear the sight of dirty laundries and house. My needlework is slowed down. The excitement has ebbed. My cooking has dwindled and it got from bad to worse.

The only thing that took my mind now is the senseless clicking of my mouse when I played computer games. Somehow, I seek comfort in the sound of the mouse and the sight of the rats in the game.

I realized that even my family and social life are taking a beating from my blues. It happened yesterday night when my boys wanted to watch a movie before their bedtime. W even had the good sense to decide on fixing their bedtime at 9.30pm, but the monster in me was in such a dark mood that I spewed angry and sarcastic words at them before storming into my bedroom. Feeling of immediate guilt did not help to ease my blues, especially after the boys went into their room dissatisfied. Even DH is not spared from my bad mood. Usually I would send DH off to work with a kiss and a hug. Since the past week, I felt so bogged down by my feelings that I decided to stay in bed and did not send him off. I only get off the bed after he went to work.

The social recluse in me took the extreme turn too. I usually enjoyed going out on my own in the mornings to run errands. But I have been putting off my errand running for the past week and my fridge is already running empty. I had rather go without fruits than going out in the sunshine. I met my primary school friends in Facebook and we decided to meet up for lunch. I regretted the decision once it has been made as actually I prefer to stay at home, in my own cocoon. I do not even feel like contacting or talking to anyone for the past few days, unless it is necessary. The call to my grandmother has been put off for two whole weeks with myriad excuses of its own.

The blues got so bad that I lost track of the dates and days of the week. There was even a scary moment that I doubt how big is my pregnancy. I need to constantly check the calendar to make sure I have the right day and date. Today is Tuesday and I need to fetch X at 1.15pm instead of 12.45pm, right? There was a day when I went to school half an hour earlier and I was stuck in the traffic jam together with other parents, which helped in dampening my moods further.

But then again, if someone is feeling the blues, will they notice it? Since I have noticed all my negative feelings, maybe it is a wake up call for me to get out of them.

So, what is the next move to rise from the dark cloud to one with silver lining?