Mother is the Greatest?

Human beings are complicated beings. More so if the person is from the half of the human species known as woman. So, can complicated women be good mothers? Women who think the world revolves around them? Women who think the world owes them a living? Women who are selfish? Or rather, self-centred women, to put it mildly. Women who thinks that the world is just about money, money, and money?

Of course, we should not judge a book by its cover. Everyone who does anything will have their own reasons and objectives? Some actions that we deem self-centred may even be attributed to their past. Even if someone who made a seemingly selfish decision may have a more magnanimous reason behind the decision that we may not know of.

Some self-centred women are lucky enough to have their offsprings and relatives to bear with their demands and wants even if it is unreasonable and inconsiderate. Some are even so lucky that the offsprings that they left behind were so well educated that they feel it is wrong to ignore their mothers, just because they are known as mothers. Are not mothers the greatest being on earth?

So, women can just get away with anything by acting like a victim and be pitiful enough for their families to care for them? Especially when those women are mothers? Can mothers get whatever that they want even if they do not care for anyone and anything else in this world except themselves? Can mothers use their children as excuses to get what they want? Must children bear with their mothers just because it is a magnanimous title known as Mothers? So, just by carrying a baby and giving birth to him/her makes the child owe the mother for a whole lifetime?

It is especially confusing for us, when we are children and mothers at the same time. As children, we have to respect and love and do whatever we can for our mothers no matter who and what they are. We are being taught from Day 1 that mothers are the greatest. And we are brought up to understand that mothers will do everything and anything for their children. Women can even change to be better persons for the sake of their children. So, we have to do whatever we can for our children. But, in this modern world, everything is about me, me and me. Are there anymore women who really care for their children without expecting any returns and without any hidden motives?

As I am going to be a mother for the third time, I hope and pray for great wisdom to be a good if not a great mother and child. As a prayer goes:

God,
Grant me
The serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can, and
The wisdom to know the difference.

What is the Main Priority?

I do not know if it is my upbringing or my characteristics that make me this way. Throughout my life, I thought that the first priority in your life is your health, sleep, diet, hygiene and manners. You got to eat first, have enough sleep, take care of your personal hygiene and manners before you proceed to do the things that you want or like to do. You do not go around the house doing the things you want to do without first brushing your teeth and washing your face and having your breakfast, right?

Then, why do I get to live with people who do just that? Eating and sleeping and personal hygiene is not even in the top three priority? The main priorities are play, play and play, TV and computers, and play, play and play? How do you keep playing if you do not have enough sleep? How do you keep playing if you do not have food to fuel your energy? How do you keep on playing if your breath and body smell? To think that the only thing that motivate them to take care of their personal hygiene is when they think that the monster (a.k.a. mommy) will not let them play if they do not first complete their 'tasks'!

I have done all I can to make them realize the importance of my priority over theirs. I have scolded, shouted, reminded, gave advice, gave scientific explanations, threatened, ignored, everything that you can think of. All to no avail. What can I do now? Arrggh!

I am beyond caring now. I have to go back into my own small shell and ignore everything. The more I care the more I feel frustrated.

Gotta see nothing, hear nothing, do nothing....

Nothing Day

Today my children celebrate Children's Day in school. I, at home, am celebrating Nothing Day.

No electricity
No mood
No feelings
No housework
No doing laundry
No ironing
No cooking
No going out
No communications
No TV
No radio
No internet
No games playing
No one to talk to
No idea on what to do
No place to go to
No privacy
No Braxton's Hicks (hopefully)

Today is also the first day of the last month of my baby staying in my tummy. According to the internet, she could be borne anytime now. Hope she will stay there as long as possible, till the end of her gestation period.

Nothing to write
Nothing to do
Nothing to expect

Just drowning in a pool of nothingness today.

Happy Nothing Day!

Bad Bad Dream

I have always liked dogs. On the other hand, I loath cats and scared of them when I see them on the streets. When I was pregnant with X, I always dreamed of cats biting me and I had to fight the cats, prying open their jaws as they bit my arms.

According to the dream dictionary, a dream of cat attacks symbolizes that you are feeling vulnerable. Maybe X was my first pregnancy, so I was feeling vulnerable throughout my pregnancy as I had the same dreams quite often.

I did not had any bad dream of attack when I was pregnant with W.

This time round, I thought I was free from any attack dream until yesterday night. I had a bad night yesterday. Hot weather with lots of mosquitoes did not make a good night sleep. Right after I fell asleep however, I dreamed of dogs biting me. Dogs, of all animals!

I thought dogs are supposed to be your best friend and more loyal than human. A check in the internet this morning depict the dream as a betrayal by someone you trust since dog is supposed to be a loyal animal and it turn to bite you. Or can I interpret it fear of betrayal by someone whom I trust?

I have been a careful person who surround myself with walls few inches thick and I do not trust people easily or put my whole trust in any one person for fear of betrayal. However, due to my pregnant self, reluctantly, like it or not, I have to rely on the people around me.

Hmm, so who will betray me now?

Bed Talk

DH is travelling again. This time for 3 days 2 nights. As much as the boys and I miss him, the boys actually enjoy sleeping with me. Normally, I let the boys sleep first while I watch TV till the wee hours of the mornings. However, due to the cool attitude that I have been treating the boys recently, I decided to go to bed together with the boys. Err, actually another reason is I have been cleaning the house and ironing the clothes in the morning and afternoon, and my back is killing me!

I did not realize that three of us talked for more than an hour. For the first time, during school days, I did not mind the boys sleep at 11pm. We enjoyed talking to one another, about their school life, life in general, health, diet, etc. X even had a chance to feel the baby kicking me, finally! He was so excited when he felt the strong kicks.

In the midst of enjoying our conversation, my good boys even managed to send good night messages to their father. Hmm, indeed my boys are growing up fast. And at times like this, I always think that I really DID made the right choice to stay home with them, giving up my jobs and all. They are really growing up to be good boys.

May they enjoy and appreciate their lives as they grow older and more mature.

Happy Birthday to X

Yesterday was X's birthday. I have been telling him for the past week that he could choose whatever he wants to have for lunch and dinner. He could even invite his friends to join him for both meals. This is considered a birthday present for him since we did not get anything for him this year because we have bought the Prince of Persia Lego set for the boys this year and it is considered an early birthday present since it is expensive and exceeds our toy's budget for the year.

As X is an introvert boy, he did not tell any of his friends about his birthday. He only told our upstairs neighbour about it since he was trying to ask the neighbour to buy a Lego present for him.

Knowing him as someone who does not put any importance on food, he decided to have leftover black bean soup and rice for lunch! When coaxed to invite his friends for dinner, he decided on our two neighbours and chosen McDonald's because they can go to the playground after that. He did not want to go to TGIF's for fear that the staff will sing birthday song to him.

When I accompanied the four boys to McDonald's for dinner, I was being left alone immediately after they finish their meals. I wondered how I managed to keep a tight rein on the four active youngsters in the first place. As they were enjoying themselves at the playground, I was being left alone to enjoy my magazine and needlework. I tried playing one of X's friend's Nintendo DS but I could not even get pass the start screen since everything was written in Korean.

Giving up any attempt to play any electronic games, I finally asked the boys to leave the place since I tried to catch The Amazing Race Asia later on TV. On the way home, I asked X to choose a birthday cake. The expensive cake he chose was left to melt, though, when we reached home, after we sang the birthday song. Can you believe no one wants to eat the cake because their appetite is poured into their games?

The four boys again continue their play until the respective friends' parents threatened them to go home. Even after his friends went home, X and W continued to play and built their new Lego. Sigh! I tried to be more lenient just because it was his birthday and he wanted to enjoy it to the fullest. According to his words.

Just this once.

Pre-Natal Blues

We heard of post-natal depression, but is there really a pre-natal depression? If there really is one, I prefer to call it pre-natal blues, as it sounds less daunting.

I have been feeling really low for the past few weeks. Waves of lowly and negative emotions washed over me on and off. Even though good feelings are still there, somehow the bad feelings started to take over them little by little.

Unbeknown to me, the negative feelings started to envelope me until I feel so sick the past two days. I felt like I was and still am enveloped in a dark cloud. I felt so bleak that all activities I enjoyed so far has been abandoned. All houseworks have been put to the last minutes or until I could no longer bear the sight of dirty laundries and house. My needlework is slowed down. The excitement has ebbed. My cooking has dwindled and it got from bad to worse.

The only thing that took my mind now is the senseless clicking of my mouse when I played computer games. Somehow, I seek comfort in the sound of the mouse and the sight of the rats in the game.

I realized that even my family and social life are taking a beating from my blues. It happened yesterday night when my boys wanted to watch a movie before their bedtime. W even had the good sense to decide on fixing their bedtime at 9.30pm, but the monster in me was in such a dark mood that I spewed angry and sarcastic words at them before storming into my bedroom. Feeling of immediate guilt did not help to ease my blues, especially after the boys went into their room dissatisfied. Even DH is not spared from my bad mood. Usually I would send DH off to work with a kiss and a hug. Since the past week, I felt so bogged down by my feelings that I decided to stay in bed and did not send him off. I only get off the bed after he went to work.

The social recluse in me took the extreme turn too. I usually enjoyed going out on my own in the mornings to run errands. But I have been putting off my errand running for the past week and my fridge is already running empty. I had rather go without fruits than going out in the sunshine. I met my primary school friends in Facebook and we decided to meet up for lunch. I regretted the decision once it has been made as actually I prefer to stay at home, in my own cocoon. I do not even feel like contacting or talking to anyone for the past few days, unless it is necessary. The call to my grandmother has been put off for two whole weeks with myriad excuses of its own.

The blues got so bad that I lost track of the dates and days of the week. There was even a scary moment that I doubt how big is my pregnancy. I need to constantly check the calendar to make sure I have the right day and date. Today is Tuesday and I need to fetch X at 1.15pm instead of 12.45pm, right? There was a day when I went to school half an hour earlier and I was stuck in the traffic jam together with other parents, which helped in dampening my moods further.

But then again, if someone is feeling the blues, will they notice it? Since I have noticed all my negative feelings, maybe it is a wake up call for me to get out of them.

So, what is the next move to rise from the dark cloud to one with silver lining?

Unsolicited Advice

It is a time of unwanted stress when you have to deal with human relations and issues, especially when it is during a time when you need a human help most. To make matters worse is when the human relations issue involved someone I am legally obligated to and that person is my lover's love.

I am sandwiched in between my own needs and comfort and my lover's needs and responsibilities towards his loved one. On top of that, my lover is also sandwiched between his love for both of us. Any conversations or decisions made between both of us will be sensitive. We are practically treading on thin ice, for fear of inflicting any hurt on each other.

Mindful of being a socially responsible human, I try to accommodate to the situation until the last minute, when I need to protect myself and my baby. If push come to shove, I would need to be the bad guy after the birth of my baby as I need to have a good rest for at least a month after that. On top of that, I am hoping that my decision not to put my foot down will not cause me great distress during my one month of confinement. Praying that by being socially responsible, I would have the peace of mind of being well taken care of during the critical period of one month. I hope that there will not be any disturbances or ontoward event that will jeopardize my time to recover from childbirth.

Being aware and very mindful of the current situation is already putting my hair at ends. It does not help that helpful family members try to give their two cents worth and concerns regarding my situation. Whoever does not know that I need to take care of myself and my health first, but I need to also put myself in other peoples' shoes, as a person's sons, and as a person's mother. Unbeknownst to my beloved family member that by thinking their are helping with their advice and concerns that they are putting more stress and pressure on me to do something.

However, being a person who always try to avoid conflict, I will try to take the situation heads-on one day at a time. I do not want to waste my time planning and strategizing a happy-ending solution, especially when I need other people's help and action in my plan. Now I am trying to envelope myself in my own coconut shell, without taking care of the current situation for as long as I can.

Let God help maneuver me out of this sticky situation....

Eat And Read NOT Eat Or Read

Like it or not, my sons, especially X, inherited a bad, bad habit from me. Worse of all is he is taking it to the extreme end, even surpassing my record.

I started reading and having my meals at the same time ever since I was in secondary school. I always took my own sweet time to have my lunch while reading story books. At one point in time, it was so extreme that I read when I was taking my bath. Up till today, I still eat and read if I am having my meals alone, especially breakfast and lunch. I even read when I'm having breakfast with my children. Sad to say that sometimes this hinder our communications because all three of us will be having our breakfast and reading at the same time.

However, I usually finish my meals quite fast even though I eat and read at the same time. Things are different with X. He is a slow eater in the first place but when he starts reading, he tends to stop chewing his food and he will be so mesmerized by what is in his book that he usually takes more than 1 hour to finish his food! By the time he finish is almost time for snack or supper.

I always get so frustrated with his eating habit that I always shout at him to read and eat and not read or eat. I even set a time for him to read and eat. If he could not finish his food by the stipulated time, he needs to put down his book and and pick up his spoon. Things come to a crazy end when one day I accidentally told him:

PLEASE READ, DON'T EAT!!!!

Smoke Gets In Your Eyes

I realized that I have a new neighbour in our block. Nope, I have not seen our new neighbour yet. How do I know I have a new neighbour?

Well, I smell them. To be more accurate, I smell the smoke from his cigarette every time I go into my bathroom.

My bathroom used to smell nice, smell of my toiletries and stuff. It used to be my sanctuary, a place for me to freshen up. Now, every time I go into my bathroom, all I smell is stinking smoke. Even a few minutes of doing my big business is a torture in that room.

How do I overcome this issue? I could not possibly confront my new neighbour, as legally he still smoke in his home. It is just that hot air goes up, and it goes to my bathroom. And no, I would not like to use any other bathroom in the house, even if my tummy has outgrown the shower cubicle.

Sigh! Guess I have to choose the right time to go into my bathroom.

The time when my neighbour is not smoking.

Girl = Princess?

Recently, I bought two Barbie dolls as a gift to two girls, aged 5 and 9 respectively. Both girls like the dolls, if not crazy about them. I believe the feeling of wanting a Barbie doll by all girls stemmed from all the Barbie movies that we watched as well as the endless bombarding of advertisement around us to be like a princess or Barbie, with perfect face, hair, and clothes.

In this modern world, are we relating being feminine to acting like a princess and owning a Barbie-like appearance? Is Barbie just a phase of our favourite toy which will pass when we grow older? Will we be so obsessed to be like Barbie, that we always try to accessorize ourselves and improve our appearance so as to be more like Barbie? Are there any other girls' toys that is not related to Barbie or princess that is more mind and character building that will accompany us in the rest of our life's journey?

What happen to real feminism? What happen to needlework? What happen to being ladylike? Why nowadays our girls are not being taught needlework from young age? Cross-stitch, knitting, crochet, embroidery, tatting, etc. seem so outdated nowadays compared to Barbie and princesses. Well, can we not based these needlework lessons on Barbie and princesses?

Even lessons to be ladylike take a backseat, way behind our goals of getting good results during our school days, learning new skills that is supposedly beneficial to us and aiming for material things in our lives. What happen to girls who are taught to stand straight, walk straight, sit and talk properly and control ourselves with proper mannerism? Are these basic manners also considered outdated and not applicable in this modern world?

In this changing world, I really do not know how to teach and educate my baby girl to be a 'proper' person. Should I let Barbie and princesses rule her world or should I be more strict on basic mannerism? Should I refrain myself from introducing her to any Barbie dolls, like I did with my boys with guns, as they are not of much value and shallow? Hmm, I will need to plan and strategize on what to teach my baby girl for the next 6 years, before releasing her to the real world.

In the meantime, no Barbie present for my girl, please.... Thank you.

Needy Needlework

Don't know why these few days I am really, really addicted to my needlework. I can't seem to tear myself away from my 3 current projects. Even as I am working on my projects, my mind is already thinking of starting new projects. I even abandon my plan to bake every Friday, just to be with my beloved needlework.

Ignoring all houseworks, cooking, baking, newspapers, books, sleep and computer games, I plunged myself into working on my needlework until I realized that today is first of the month. Hmm, need to stop my cross-stitch for a few hours to update my budget, expenses, and investment portfolios.

Unfortunately for my needlework, once I switched on my PC, I am hooked on another addiction. PLAYING GAMES! Sigh! There goes my few hours. And, horror of horrors, I am doing this at the expense of doing my laundry and cooking.

So sorry that DH and the boys have to settle for mee hoon soup tonight for dinner. I have given up cooking new food and baking new things for them to try. All meals are reduced to steamed and boiled food with rice. I hope that they will bear with me, hahaha.

Will tear myself away from all the lazy and unproductive stuff that I do after I pamper myself for the next three months, the final month being my confinement and honeymoon with our new baby.

New plan with new resolution and new tight-assness will begin in the new year 2011!!!