Yesterday I met a new friend on my newly joined Yoga class. While persuading me to join their Buddhist group, she shared with me on her parenting technique which is based on Buddhist teaching. One of the things that she mentioned was to do unto others what you want to be done unto you and vice versa. And this statement got me thinking....
I have been practising the exact same ideology in my life except to one person. Someone who I am wary of but whom I am forced to live together with. It seems that I couldn't bring myself to practise this ideology to this person for fear of being taken as a fool and be bullied over and over again. In the past, I have been trying, albeit little by little, to treat this person a wee bit better, only to be lashed back with bullying action. I may be oversensitive about feeling that I was being bullied but I couldn't help bracing myself for the worst every time this particular person say or do something. Anything. The feeling of distrust is so great that I have to build a wall between myself and this person, by not having any possible communication. I told myself I am protecting myself from getting hurt again and again.
And yet, by doing this, I am plagued with guilt. The guilt of not being a good person. I made myself the perpetrator and this person is the victim. I hate myself for being the bad guy and I think that I am not a good person but at the same time I could not bring myself to change to treat this person better. It is a vicious cycle of bracing myself against this person, closing myself off to this person, feeling guilty for being the bad guy and blaming this person for making me the bad guy.
How do I get out from this cycle? Do I start to practise the above ideology even on this person? Do I expose and risk myself of getting hurt again? Will I be able to break the cycle? Should I stick my head out once more to see what happen?
Let's see.
